


Two Men Walk Into a Bar

by Kittywitch



Category: Doctor Who
Genre: Gen, Humor, Literature, fan fiction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-13
Updated: 2015-11-13
Packaged: 2018-05-01 12:00:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,599
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5205122
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kittywitch/pseuds/Kittywitch
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Two men meet in a bar and start discussing mistakes they've made with woman. Eventually, they discover they have a mutual acquaintance. Originally written in August of 2011.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Two Men Walk Into a Bar

**Author's Note:**

> This was some of the first fanficiton I wrote for Doctor Who, many years ago. This was written in August of 2011.

In a London pub of unimpressive size, a man was staring intently at his ale instead of actually drinking it. The bubbles slowly edged up the sides of the glass, occasionally shoving each other out of the way on their way to the top. He was being a self-indulgent prat and he knew it, which only made it worse. He had a good life, a great job, a happy marriage, and he had no business living in the past like this. The past was a lovely time to visit, with the proper materials, but he didn't want to live there.

  
A ruffled-looking man wearing a jacket over scrubs stormed into the pub, dropped heavily onto the stool next to the first man, slammed his hands onto the bar and slowly raised his face to the bartender.

"I would like a peach sangretia, please." he said politely. The dark-skinned man glanced sideways at the newcomer as if to check if he actually just said that. The nurse stared ahead as he waited for the drink, not acknowledging the man he was sitting next to. After a moment, the man with the ale went back to his glass and tried actually drinking it. It did, in fact, taste better that way. At length, the second man spoke.

  
"Never trust a doctor." said the nurse. The military man looked up at the other man and regarded him for a moment before he responded.

"Especially not around your girlfriend."

"Yes." the light-skinned man agreed vehemently.

"I'm going to tell you right now, if your girlfriend ever asks to go on a trip with a strange man, don't let her."

"Good advice." he responded, taking a sip. "Too late, but good advice. And going along for the trip? It does nothing."

"Oh, never do that. Then it's the boy and the girl and you're their dog."

"Oh god..." the nurse said quietly, forgetting the other man was there for a moment, "Am I the dog?" The military man took a swig of his drink.  
"Here's what you do. If you're afraid you're the dog, just get out of there."

 

The nurse fell silent for a moment, considering this sadly. He took a contemplative sip of his sangria. He set it down heavily and began to rant.  
"I mean, this bloke just shows up one night, no, not one night," he amended, his voice getting more heated, "The night before our wedding, hasn't seen her for years and he's like 'Road trip!' "

"There's a bloody warning sign."

"Yeah, what you just said about letting your girlfriend travel without you. Anyway, she's comes back and she acts like it's supposed to be like 'okay, where were we?' Where were we? Where the hell were you? Are you going to be traipsing off with strange men now? Is this a thing?"  

"It's always the same. You can be with a woman since you were..." he waved his hand vaguely, a "... _ickle_ , but when it comes down to it she always goes for the guy with the ride and the suit and the damn fancy hair." At the suggestion of "fancy hair", the nurse awkwardly pawed at his own scruffy, hacked-off hair.

  
"But no, I love her. I put up with this. And I do what she said. She says, 'okay. Let's go get married now.' Am I just an idiot?"

"Yeah, probably." he answered. "But being a bit of an idiot helps in a marriage." He tried to have another sip, but realized his cup was empty. Absently, the man signaled for a refill.

"Yeah, I do what she says, because I always do what she says, ever since we were ickle, like you said."

"Every little thing..."

"Buy into whatever the hell she says..."

" 'I'll be back before you know it!' And you're left standing in the middle of London in a snowstorm on Christmas Day!"

"You were in London on Christmas? Are you bloody mental?"

"Never missed one. Nothing like it."

"...you _are_ mental!"

"After all I've been through, if all I am is mental, I count myself lucky."

  
"Oh, I've have some 'Christmas in London' days myself, courtesy of my wife's 'special friend'!" he snarled, " 'Where's your sense of adventure, Rorikins?' I left it back with the giant crap I just took in my pants, you crazy sonvabitch!"

"Are you talking about the special friend or your wife now?"

"They both sound the same when they start talking crazy. 'I think that strange man wants to kill us. Shall I invite him to tea?'

" 'Don't worry if you don't understand, dear, we don't keep you around to be smart.' "

" 'It was just one kiss, come on, let's all go off an holiday together.' "

" 'Oh really, we're just mates, don't worry'."

"And because you're an idiot, you believe them!" The two men paused for a moment.

  
"...did you just call me an idiot?"

"I... uh... I meant I was an idiot. I don't know whether or not you are."

"Can be, bloke, can be. Anyway, it's fine. I'm sure you're not an idiot."

"Oh. Trust me. I am. A least I bloody well act like one enough." he picked out a piece of fruit out of his drink and put it in his mouth. He chewed on the toothpick for a moment, then started rambling.

"And you'd think that 'I'm going to dress you up like my imaginary friend' is all bow ties and crumpets and eight year olds saying 'Would you like another spot of tea, raggedy doctor?' No." he shook his head. "No. 'I'm going to rip that suit the rest of the way off.' No, I _don't_ want to play doctor."

"Oh god, that's messed up."

"You don't need to tell me."

"Well, you didn't need to tell me about it." he scoffed with disgust. He took another sip and considered moving away from this crazy person. Then he remembered that he'd spent more time around crazier people.

"You can wait, of course..." he said, "But you'll be waiting forever."

"Trust me," the nurse chuckled bitterly into his drink. "I know about waiting forever."

"I have been there, mate. You grow up with a girl, become sweethearts in school... then the magic man comes into her life and you're supposed to just step out of the way."

"You have... no idea how long I've waited for this woman." His face became set. "Not giving up on her. Magic man or no bloody magic man..." The intensity of this statement was ruined by the noise his straw made when he drank.

  
The conversation lulled, and the man with the ale thought for a moment he would be able to kick himself for being stupid and finish his drink in peace. Then his companion spoke up again,

"Is it weird to have another bloke along on your honeymoon? I mean, that's weird right?"

"Well, I didn't." he answered. He began to laugh sadly. "One trip we took without him..."

" 'We'? "

"...yeah... ...it's a bit complicated, but I- actually, no. It's not complicated. The bloke who stole my girl-- he's how I met my wife." he explained.  The nurse laughed disbelievingly. The second man set down his ale to gesticulate as he attempted to explain.  
"Okay, so first my ex goes off with this guy, and I'm like 'okay, at least he's old and I know I'm better looking than him'; so then they come on back, and suddenly...  well, he's looking better. I tag along, mistake, like I said, then, long story short, he rounds up all his old mates, and we all wind up working for the same bloody company. That's when I meet my wife. Apparently, after me and my ex stopped following him about, me gaping around as if we still have a relationship when she's all over him, after that's when my wife started doing the same damn thing with the good doctor, not married yet, but you get the idea. But we meet up. Don't get me wrong, I love my wife, but I know this started because two screwed up people were sick of being the second choice."

The hand signals didn't make it any easier to follow. But the had drunken enough to start talking, and couldn't really stop.

  
"Consolation prize meets consolation prize. There's a love story, bro." the nurse clapped a hand to his heart, but the other man showed no signs of hearing him.

"I know where I'm not wanted, I wind up in a bar with Jack..."

"Yeah, I've spent a long night with Jack myself. Woke up with my mouth tasting all weird."

The dark skinned man took on a rather curious expression.

"Jack Daniels. The whiskey." the nurse explained. The other man nodded and took another sip. The nurse shook his head and asked a question more to his drink than anyone else.

"What's wrong with me? A doctor makes time with my fiancée, so I try to become a doctor? What does that say about my mental state? I want to become him?"

"Hey, a doctor steals my girlfriend, so I marry a doctor. I think that's worse than what you've got."

"Friggin doctors."

"Nice suit, nice ride-"

"And he's just such a nice guy you can't hold it against him!"

"Yes!"

"And he's like, 'oh, hey baby! I've got a time machine!' "

Suddenly, the two men fell silent. Rory stared at Mickey. Mickey stared back at him.

"...blue box?" asked Mickey. The nurse quietly nodded. Mickey then slowly turned to the bartender.

"I'll pick up this poor sod's sangretia."


End file.
